Friday, June 8, 2012

The true story of gay repentance: When I found myself gay

When I find myself a gay ...

I was born into a Muslim family that is obedient. All my family members keep praying five times, fasting in the month of Ramadan, and carrying out all the rituals and teachings of Islam. My parents carried out Hajji in the 1970s. There are 14 siblings in the family. I am the 11th and the last boy is from 5 brothers and 9 sisters. I was close to my sisters and my mother compared with my brothers. My father died when I was 10 years old.

I felt attracted to men when I was young. Maybe that taste developed when I was 10 years old. At the age of 14, I knew that I didn't want to get married because I wasn't interested in women. I thought about how I would face my brothers and sisters when they would all get married and I would remain single.

My world is confusing as I ask myself, 'why do men marry women when in reality they love men?' Then I realized that only I felt that. I have never been harassed by anyone. I still don't know why this affected me.

Experience of Sex of the Kind

Somehow, time passed so fast and I have faced this fact that I am still single forever. Fortunately, some of my brothers and sisters were married when I was still studying in the United States. When I finished my degree, I lived in Kuala Lumpur, far from my family. Therefore, I can escape from marriage questions.

Same-sex sex experience (Same Sex Experience - SSE) I first started during college days. It continued after completing my studies when I settled back in Kuala Lumpur.

Going further, because my work took me to the Middle East. During that time, I still continued to pray. Sometimes, I feel very ashamed to face God during prayer because I just had sex before. Sometimes, I wait until the next day.

Even though my career rose, I felt chaos in my life. My career didn't go as smoothly as I wanted. My life is empty and emotions are unstable because I keep changing partners. Then, I read a hadith about those who committed sodomy.

Two years later, I quit my job. I thought that it was the worst moment of my life when in reality it was the best time ever. I began to read the translation of the Qur'an. Priests in a small mosque read the hadith (from the book of Imam An-Nawawi) every morning after Fajr prayer. I now realize how these hadiths have shaped my life and thoughts.

I also read the biography of the Prophet Muhammad (shalallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) and the biography of 10 friends (radhiallahu' anhum) promised Jannah. These stories move my heart.

Despite all that, I still continue my SSE, because bad habits are hard to lose. During the six-month period of work, God taught me how to surrender to Him. When I was hungry, without food to eat, God sent people who offered me to eat with them. I did not ask God for this. He (Allah) really understands me. I feel happy.

Surrender to God is a turning point in my life. Reading the translation of the Qur'an has changed my perception of thinking and seeing this world. I read a book Road to Mecca written by Muhammad Assad. I feel fully like a new Muslim. But even with all that, I still do SSE.

The words of the Prophet Luth ('alaihisalam) to his people made me reflect on. "O my people, these are my daughters, they are more holy unto you, "(Huud: 78)

I smiled sarcastically, because I knew that the ummah was not interested in women, how did he offer his daughters? But again, this is the words of a Prophet (which was said by Allah in the Qur'an - pen), there must be truth to him.

Last March, when I read the Qur'an after Fajr prayer, I prayed in my heart that may Allah give me a female partner. I want to end all this. I am tired of my life. I feel like every time I climb a ladder to reach a higher level of faith, I fall when I do an SSE.

Marry (Solution)

By getting married, I can channel my sexual desires according to Islam. In one week, God sent someone who wanted to introduce me to his aunt. (I muttered to myself: Auntie?). I said, "Ok, if I have time."

Then the woman was brought to me the same night. There wasn't much conversation except that he said that his favorite trip was from his home to the mosque. That was the last sentence we talked about before I postponed it to the mosque for 'Asr prayer.

After the first meeting, we got in touch with each other via sms. He asked me that 'Why am I not married?' I was a little surprised and answered for various reasons. I hate to tell you that in reality I am not married because I am homosexual. After a week of texting, I asked him if it was OK to tell my mother about us and me that I found someone who was right. He said "OK".

Within three months, we were married at a small reception. God gave me a wife (Alhamdulillah). He fulfilled 9 out of 10 lists of my requirements. I told him that one of the things he didn't fulfill was that he was a woman, not a man. He smiled ...

God gave me the quality as if I described my list of conditions.

God really understands me well and knows what makes me happy. For three months where I knew her (before marriage), I did not feel attracted to her, I did not feel excited, as well as she was with me. I surrender myself to Allah and I read the Qur'an that He sprinkled on the feelings of love.

I pray to God to fill us with love and make me feel excited with him. True, God granted my petition.

During the process of getting to know my wife, I joined the group at Yahoo,Straight Struggle, based in the UK, for Muslims who face Same Sex Attraction around the world. I share about my life experiences in that group. I am happy, I open the way and encourage some people to take the first steps to get married and fight the fear of the first night of marriage.

God willing, a little contribution I hope will guide a lot of success heterosexual (interest in the opposite sex according to human nature -pen) in the future, Aamin.

Translated from Onislam, "When I found out I Am a Gay", May 31, 2012

Arrahmah/The Truth Seeker Media

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